Acceptance a Key Need

John 5:44
How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet you make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God.

Recently through an exercise at church we were asked to discover three key needs that both we and our spouse have in our relationship. I became acutely aware that I have an extreme need for acceptance from my husband. My desire runs deep to have him receive me with open arms and to do it on purpose with a loving and caring response for who I am. In general, that sounds like a resonable desire. But it has become an expectation, and when that expectation is not met, that expectation becomes a bitter resentment toward my husband, which leads me to not fulfill his key needs.

Having the desire for my husband to accept me is a good thing, but I had placed that desire as a demanded expectation. Which turns my heart from the desires of God's definition of marital acceptance to my personal selfish defintion. With the exercise we had to discuss each one of our key needs. Through our discussion we discovered that we weren't focusing on how to positively correct, we were focusing on specific negative instances from the past. I was focusing on times when I did not get what I wanted and this was causing me to become angry, to raise my voice, to speak with a condacending tone and I felt attacked.

We stopped ourselves and decided to focus on what each one of our personal definitions were to our key needs and what positive, specific actions and words each one of us could do to support the other in that need. My definition to the approach and timing of acceptance and my hubsand's definition to the approach and timing of acceptance were totally different. I received differently than what he had been giving. He was giving, but he was getting absolutely no credit for his efforts. This had to be exasperating for him. I didn't see it because I had set acceptance up in a specific way and that was the only way I was going to receive it. We all do that, we define things for ourselves and we have dreams and desires that we place upon our spouses that truly only God can meet. Yet, we continually battle for what we think is right and what we want.

Our final conclusion was that we needed to discover each other's definitions for the key needs first and then ask God, "What can I do in action and word to express this need to my spouse?". We were no longer going to focus on what each one of was was not bringing to the relationship, but we were going to focus on how we were going to really try to be the representation of God's love to each other through our marriage covenant.

What a concept. Being unselfish and putting my husband first by asking God to show me how to love him. Once that revelation hit me, my own selfish desires became less important and I knew God would give me more than I have ever dreamed, desired or expected in our marriage.

Challenge:

1. Do you receive willing praise from others as more important than praise from God?
2. Do you go to the only true God for answers or do you look to others for approval and never match the issue at hand with God's Word?
3. Do you make a vigorous effort to obtain God's truth through His Word?
4. Do you have a habit of reading His Word and Praying?
5. How can you expect to collectively put God's definition into effect if you are not searching them out by going to him directly?
6. Do you wait to read a devotional or encouraging word from another human or do you go get one straight from the one and only true God?
7. Are you willing to love your spouse the way God intended?
8. Are you willing to be the expression of God's love to your spouse here on earth?
9. Do you have a personal realtionship with Jesus Christ?

This exercise came from a book entitiled The Great Commandment Principle by David Ferguson. For more explanation and an endorsement of the exercise in this book you may watch Greg and Tamara Dumas online presenting a message on marriage to the congregation of The Crossing Church based on the key needs mentioned in this book. Please go to www.crossingonline.org and watch the archived service for July 31, 2010 weekend.